Spiritual Exercises

I have been on a journey. It has lasted nearly 38 years, but only a fraction of that time has been intentional. This summer, I began a certification program at a School of Spirituality. The program is intense. Intensely academic, but even more intensely healing. Part of the requirements for completion is working through the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola.

If you know anything about these exercises, you may know it's a daunting task and demanding journey. Ignatius wrote the exercises to be completed in an intense 30 day secluded retreat or nineteenth annotation, for those unable to "escape" from daily life. As a mother of adolescent children, it's not practical for me to take off for thirty days, so a few weeks ago, I began the 19.

Today, just after my prayer time, I had a thought that I should jot down thoughts from my experiences. Though part of the journey involves journaling after each hour of prayer, I find myself having some reflections that are worth remembering outside of my prayer time.

The first thing of import: I am not holy. I am a woman with a sinful past who struggles daily with temptations and sins. I desire deeply to know, love and serve the Lord and am on a mission to transform myself, with His grace and mercy, into the creation He intended. This is going to require a great deal of healing and docility to the Spirit.

If you are so inclined, please pray for me.

Peace be with you.

Inconsistency

I have let this blog become a wasted space on the internet. A chasm of emptiness - sure, there are shards of joy sprinkled into it - but I can clearly hear the crickets chirping here.

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That has not what life has been like for me since I created this space. My life has been bustling, warp-speed changes with roller-coaster highs and lows. It's been great, though.

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We moved to the Mid-Atlantic four years and one month ago. For our children, it's the longest they've lived consecutively in any state - and the longest time we've been in a single parish as a couple. The community here is blessed and we are blessed and so very grateful to be part of it.

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Four years ago, my plan was to do my best to serve the community in whatever way I could, making friends and building a short-term life for us here. Short-term because we'd moved so many times - and we assumed that it would continue to be the case. But my plan was to embrace the people and the area for the time that we would be here. And I have.

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When we were busy with the day-to-day, planting ourselves into our parish and community, I fell in love. Not with a person or the region, though I have fallen in love with our people here and really enjoy this region, but I have fallen in love in a new way with God. I wonder if this new love is because I have begun to realize that to better love God, I must live His command to love my neighbor? I find it no small coincidence that the more love I have for others, the closer I feel to my Father and Lord.

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I realize how He has tried for years to reveal Himself to me in a profound way - a way that would cause me to tip back and say "Wow!" The past few weeks have me saying "Wow!" a lot. Not because of material blessings, though to be on the cusp of buying "the house" is a pretty big "wow" for us, but because we have felt strongly rooted here and really didn't want to lose this community of saints-in-the-making. I won't worry about the times I've missed those moments in the past when God was inviting me to see His awesome power and His abiding love for me, but instead I embrace the now and future moments.

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We have come through an incredibly trying time, with a great loss and job uncertainty and instability. To be on the other side of what was a stressful time, I can see how my trust in the Lord's providence kept at bay most of the deepest lows. I can't say those around me were unscathed, as I still struggle with my sharp tongue at times, but I trusted that the Lord's plan was greater than any we could come up with on our own.

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I'd like to break this open a bit, but for now, I need to read a couple chapters out of a textbook in order to have a class discussion this afternoon with my daughter.

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Lord, please touch those in my heart and mind this day. Please give comfort and a peace that surpasses all human understanding to those in need, especially those who are dying this day. May Your love and mercy be a sign to all that Truth is worth living and fighting for. I ask all these things through the Precious Sacrifice and His willing and obedient Sacred Heart, Amen.

Second Friday of Lent: Running to the Father

If you have children, imagine this: (I'd tell you to close your eyes and picture it, but if you close your eyes, you can't read what I'm about to type.) Think of little children... I don't know if this happens or happened in your home, but even at 9 1/2 and 8, my girls still behave this way... Think of the late afternoon time, early evening, there's anticipation and waiting and an underlying excitement - Daddy's coming home! "Has he called yet? How much longer?" Glances out the windows, looking for his car. Finally, they scatter and get involved in reading a book or practicing piano or coloring.

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But when footsteps are heard on the porch and the scrape of the key enters the lock - maybe the distraction keeps them other-focused until the door opens, but then! They run! They squeal, "Daddy's home!" And they throw themselves at him, eager for his embrace and attention...

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Maybe they're younger, still a baby, and Daddy's on the other side of a room, talking or singing. And her eyes are on him, watching, smiling, filled with joy to see her Daddy...

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Sitting on the floor, on his legs, chubby little arms holding his forearms while he reads a book or sings a song with her... she relaxes back against him, completely safe, completely adored and in complete adoration! Daddy is the best!

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This is how the Lord wants us to anticipate being with Him. This is how He wants us to come to Him. That we would let go of anything that's blocking us from experiencing this childlike joy in just being with Him.

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I find it interesting and such an amazing grace that the Lord reveals Himself to me in the quiet. One of the things I've realized in the past week, is that while I appreciate all that the Lord has done for me, and I am so so grateful for His love and mercy, I haven't experienced that kind of joy in Him. Whether it is because my own father let me down in some ways or made me feel less than in others, or maybe it's some other reason I'm blocked, I realized that there is so much more for me to experience with the Lord.

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And one of the things I'm most looking forward for the rest of this incredible season of Lent is learning to let things go that prevent my heart from running to the Lord in joy and unfettered love. I want to sit at His feet and rest my head in His lap and just revel in the love of a perfect Father.

Ashes, Ashes, we all fall Down!

Ash Wednesday, 2010. The Lord wants so much for us to turn to Him in bigger ways - and He uses the season of Lent to pull us closer to Him in many smaller ways.

This morning, as I prayed, I was called with great conviction to serve Him in a new way. He wants me to be consistent in a way that I haven't before - to use all of my words more carefully, especially. This could mean a lot of things, but for me it was two-fold.

First, He wants me to carefully speak with my children. When they interrupt, He wants me to gently redirect them to do the right thing, rather than snap out "try that again". He wants me to express myself with sweetness and love, as He does with us. In other words, He is asking me to let go of my tendency toward sharpness.

And I gotta be honest, my knee-jerk reaction is to say "Lord, I can't do that! I always try hard! Those behaviors are just part of who I am." And guess what? He whispered sweetly to me, "Let ME be the change inside of you. I can do all things." Okay, so I didn't hear a 'voice' inside my head, or even outside my head - but I did feel strongly that the Lord wants me not only to KNOW this truth, but to completely embrace it. No, I can't eliminate my tendency toward sharp, but HE can! What an awesome God!

Second, He wants me to evangelize in a new way. I don't know if it's His plan that it be through this internet space, but I know He is calling me loudly to share His truth and love. I am not an expert, I have no special training, but I do know the transforming power of His love and mercy and I think I can at least try better to share it with others.

So, this Ash Wednesday, my hope is that I spend the next 40 days, truly resting at the feet of Jesus. I know if I do this more and more, I will better understand His will for me. And I want to do it. I want to be the child He created me to be and I want nothing more than to be close to the One who made me. And it'd be amazing if He used me to help my family and friends get there too.

God bless you and keep you!

To Yankee Stadium! We're going to see the Pope!!!!

Sometimes, when I am excited, I have a hard time falling asleep. I'm a bit like a child, I suppose. This morning, I have risen at about 4 am, after getting less than 6 hours of slumber - and now I must pack our breakfast and supper and shower to get ready to head to New York City for the day. We have been looking forward to this day for weeks, since we got word that we won the lottery. The ticket lottery, so we will be blessed to celebrate mass with Pope Benedict XVI this afternoon at Yankee Stadium.

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I am so amazed at how God has blessed us since we came to this part of the country. We knew He wanted us here, and it is pretty cool that we get to experience this once-in-a-lifetime event. I'm bringing a little notebook, so maybe I'll take a few moments throughout the day to record my immediate thoughts and feelings and come back here and share them with you tomorrow.

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I'll pray for you today - and your intentions.

Evangelization at Home

What would happen if you died tomorrow? Would your kids have comfort in God? Would they find some peace in knowing He would care for them one way or another through their loss? Would your children know what you believed? Would they have hope?

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These are hard questions - who wants to think of their own mortality, let alone the possibility of leaving their children behind at young ages? But it is our duty as parents to answer these questions - to live our lives in a way that gives our children everything they might need in our absence. They won't be children very long - let's face it, adulthood encompasses many more years than childhood. What are we doing with our children to ensure their faith is strong, that they have a secure knowledge of God's grace and mercy and love?

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This might seem like a silly notion to some who will read this. "We go to church every Sunday and even on Wednesday nights!" "We say grace before every meal." "Our family prays at bedtime."... "OF COURSE, our children know of God's goodness!" But I challenge you to really delve deeply into your lives to see how you demonstrate God's grace and mercy and love to your children. How do you react in anger? Do you intimately share your heart with your children? Do you share how God has made your life better? How His Son's sacrifice has changed your own heart and the way you conduct your life?

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I'm interested in hearing what you do to help your children KNOW the grace and glory and limitless love from our Father. How do you encourage their own personal relationship with Christ? And then I'll tell you why I think it's so important to have this be the central focus of your home and family.

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God Bless you and Happy Easter!

Victory of Love

"These holy days reawaken a great hope in us. Christ was crucified, yet he rose again and conquered the world... Love is stronger than hate, it has triumphed and we should affiliate ourselves with this victory of love. We should therefore start again from Christ and work together with him for a world founded on peace, justice and love." -Pope Benedict XVI on the Easter Triduum.

The past month or so, I've been trying to read through a book on healing by Francis MacNutt. It's difficult to read because I need quiet in order to concentrate - and in a house with two active girls, quiet is hard to come by. But what I've read has been great. Nothing new so far, since I was already a believer in healing prayer and the power of the Holy Spirit. But I haven't gotten into the meaty chapters yet and I know this book is a classic in its subject.

Yesterday, I picked up unbound and began reading that as well. As I was reading the foreword (not-so-coincidentally written by Francis MacNutt, I might point out), it occurred to me to pray while reading these books. To pray for protection against any attack brought on by my desire for increased knowledge and faith - and ministry. So, I stopped reading and took a moment to say a prayer to Jesus to protect my heart and my mind from all evil and lead me in my quest for knowledge. And for good measure, I asked St. Michael to provide his heavenly protection against any evil spirits that might be sent to interrupt my quest.



It was funny, not funny "haha" but funny interesting, to realize after the brief time I spent with the book after that prayer how much more I got out of that time than when I was trying to get through parts of the first book before. (was that a long and ridiculous sentence or what?) I can't help but think it was the prayers. I had as many, if not more, distractions than when I've tried to get into Healing, but I couldn't stop thinking about what I'd read. Even after ten PM last night, I continued to turn it over and over in my mind.



I don't really know why I'm writing about reading these books, except to say that I wonder if God wants something more from me in this area? Are there things I need to heal in my own past that I really thought I'd moved past? Does He want me to heal those things in order that I can serve His people in a more intimate way? I do know that I felt real grace upon my head a couple weeks ago when my husband and I were a prayer team at a retreat-like day. Is this where God wants me to follow Him?



I don't know all the answers yet, but I have to say that this Lent has brought me more intimately close to the Lord than I've felt in a number of years. I want to listen to Him all the time, but I really feel like I've been hearing Him, these past few weeks especially. I think when I became a mother, I replaced some of my thirst for closeness with God with a thirst for closeness with my kids. And now that I've realized that, I can allow Christ the space in my life that He's wanted all along.



Have a blessed Triduum.

Send Me

From the beginning of my christian journey, I have been eager to share my love and faith.

When a priest from another church asked if my husband and I would get involved with their Life Teen program, we didn't hesistate to say yes. We had no idea that yes would bring such abundant blessings (and abundant headaches) to our lives.

A month later, when our own church was still trying to get a teacher for 7th grade religious education, I felt pulled to say "me! I'll help!" I had no idea that three months later, I'd start having morning sickness all day long that lasted 20 weeks.

This all happened within 4 months of my baptism, confirmation and first communion at the Easter vigil mass. There were many times those days I thought I'd lost my mind - we were both working full-time jobs, we were newlyweds.... That year, we purchased our first home, my husband switched companies, then we had our first child. It was definitely the year of "Yes!" in our home.

In spite of the craziness and busy-ness, I have really fond memories of that time - particularly in regards to my faith. I was not only teaching 7th grade, but had volunteered to help with the whole middle school youth group. I was giving myself to all these pre-teens on Wednesdays and then the high school kids at Life Teen (at another parish) each Sunday - trying to help them find the fire I'd found in Christ that past year.

Our meetings with the other ministers for Life Teen were filled with prayer and praise and worship. We were being led by a dynamic priest, who was really on fire with the Holy Spirit. Even as a new Catholic, I knew this guy was a gifted homilist and servant. And though we were pouring out ourselves each week through this incredibly personal work, we were being filled up frequently with what God promises those who do His will.

Of course, all good things come to an end (or do they?). I did not teach religious education after that year, our daughter became my first priority and since I was still working in the M-F world, the rest of my time was hers. Problems arose with leadership at the other parish and we stopped ministering through Life Teen. I still did help with the middle school youth at our parish, but when I got pregnant with our second daughter even that fell by the wayside.

I don't fault myself for taking some time away from ministry to tend to my family's young flock. I've participated in some moms' groups and studies, but the joy I get from ministering to others just can't be beat.

Since moving here just over a year ago, I've really embedded myself in our community. I've hosted play and pray dates for the homeschoolers, among other times of opening our home to the TORCH group. I helped last year with vacation bible school (and am on the committee this year), we are a sponsor couple at our parish for engaged couples, we're part of a prayer group....

It's time to step it up, though. God knew I was feeling this way and has opened an opportunity to us at our parish. At first, I felt there was no way I am ready for this kind of ministry to adults (remember, most of my experience is with kids), but my cheerleader reminded me that I can do all things through Christ. It's just sharing my faith, right?

It feels excellent to be involved again.

In Faith

Welcome!

I've been blogging for nearly 4 years... it seems so odd that for so long, I've wanted to write about something and can't really figure out what that something is. This evening, it occurred to me that maybe what I'm really supposed to write about - at least for now - is my faith. I don't know exactly what that will mean for this space on the web, but I suppose for now, I will be recording reflections.

If you have any questions, please ask! No question answered in sincerity is a stupid question.

Until next time, God Bless You!